I sometimes feel like I have spent a whole week avoiding something without being able to put a finger on what I’m avoiding, or why, or even whether it is even a definable thing or not. This feeling is strongest when I’m at a low point and struggling to get things done. It’s weakest if I’m on a roll checking things off — is that because I’m no longer avoiding the thing and doing it, or is busy busy more effective than my other avoidance techniques.
This avoidance feels qualitatively different than avoiding a particular thing because of a lack of courage. Something like a difficult phone call — avoiding it feels like shit, doing it feels like shit, afterwards there is relief that I summoned the courage to do the thing. This kind of avoidance feels more like missing some direction or purpose I should have in life. But right now I’m not sure where to go with that feeling.
This avoidance feels constraining. But I think the constraint is more from my assumptions of others expectations than actual expectations from others, and then spiraling around those assumptions. Anyway. On the topic of spiraling I’ve definitely gotten better at noticing in the moment when I’m spiraling on some topic, though that is typically preceded by a few days of slow buildup that I do not usually pick up on until later.
Leave a Reply